Anger Management for Kids
Take a deep breath. Count to ten. Go to time out. Okay, then what?
These things can help kids deescalate angry feelings, but they aren’t always easy to implement in the heat of the moment. Many of us feel MORE angry when we are told to calm down. So what do we do?
The advice isn’t bad—studies* show that intentional breathing and “taking space” can decrease arousal and counterbalance rage, but the application of these calm-down-tools may require some prerequisite effort to be successful. In moments of calm, open conversations about anger can help us manage it rather than succumb to it—what triggers it, how does it feel, and how do we behave when we are angry? Untethered anger often results in painful repercussions (hurt feelings, aggression, missed opportunities, degraded relationships, shame, etc.). If we understand the roots of our anger and connect them to the consequences, we are more likely to feel empowered to wrangle it.
*Kjærvik, S. L., & Bushman, B. J. (2024). A meta-analytic review of anger management activities that increase or decrease arousal: What fuels or douses rage? Clinical Psychology Review, 109, 102414. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2024.102414
A significant part of anger management is understanding the roots of our anger.
The examination of anger contributes to self-empathy and allows for the utilization of targeted coping skills.
REMEMBER the goal is not to eliminate anger—that would be impossible! Rather, the goal is to understand and manage anger in a healthy way. Anger itself is not bad, but the way it’s handled can lead to negative outcomes. When appropriately managed, anger can motivate, enlighten, empower, and protect.
Can you think of any benefits of anger?
Consider the following list and think about times you experienced these feelings. Did they contribute to your anger?
Hurt feelings: When we feel left out, rejected, or disappointed we may lash out.
Jealousy: Jealousy is when we want something that someone else has. It can feel unfair (and sometimes it is!) and discouraging.
Guilt: When we mess up or do something we shouldn’t have done, we may feel defensive.
Embarrassment: Embarrassment is uncomfortable and sometimes we want someone to blame for our unfortunate situation.
Resentment: When we feel like we’ve been wronged, we sometimes want revenge.
Failure: Failing to meet our goals can be frustrating and demoralizing.
Overwhelmment: When we don’t feel like we have control of our emotions or circumstance, we may be unable to productively process our feelings.
Grief: Grief is complex and we can’t always make sense of how our feelings are exhibited.
Let’s make a plan!
In a calm moment, make a simple Anger Management Plan by completing these sentences:
I can tell I’m angry when I...
I can interrupt escalating anger by...
I can talk to...
I can calm myself down by...
I can repair by...
I am grateful for...
This plan may not always work, but it is a step towards understanding outbursts, options, and outcomes. With practice, anger management will become more automatic. Until then, use the tools that work for you!
Quiet Coping Skills are subtle but effective ways to privately regulate emotions without attracting scrutiny from others. These techniques aim to interrupt overwhelming feelings by focusing on specific physical tasks and simple mantras. Coping skills don’t eliminate overwhelming feelings, but they do make them more manageable.
A free printable version of this information is available in our Infographics Tab!
A Printable Resource
We made a printable, customizable version of this blog post! Help kids think, write, and talk about anger to promote a nuanced approach to the examination of complicated emotions.
Find this worksheet and more HERE.
Related Resources from Child Therapy Guide:
Children’s Books About ANGER:
“What makes Nina mad? Lots of things—lots of little, everyday things, frustrations that all children will recognize. But Nina knows how to speak her mind and that makes her feel much better. In a series of humorous vignettes, Hilary Knight applies his magic to a text by veteran children's book writer Steven Kroll, and brings to life a spunky character who will show young readers how to articulate their feelings.”
“Carter Goodrich shows that sometimes, even the prickliest people—or the crankiest cacti—need a little love.
Hank is the prickliest cactus in the entire world. He sits in a pot in a window that faces the empty desert, which is just how he likes it. So, when all manner of creatures—from tumbleweed to lizard to owl—come to disturb his peace, Hank is annoyed. He doesn’t like noise, he doesn’t like rowdiness, and definitely does not like hugs.
But the thing is, no one is offering one. Who would want to hug a plant so mean? Hank is beginning to discover that being alone can be, well, lonely. So he comes up with a plan to get the one thing he thought he would never need: a hug from a friend.”
A book that highlights: anger, kindness, & repair.
“An emotionally unaware tornado carves a path of destruction until it picks up a very empathetic cow in this quirky and sweet picture book about compassion and navigating negative emotions.”
“First grader Ella McKeen is the undisputed kickball queen until a new girl named Riya shows up—and shows her up at recess. How does Ella handle losing? By throwing herself on the grass and screaming while the rest of the class watches her fall apart. Yikes!”
"Jack wants to apologize for hurting Zoe's feelings. He just can't seem to find the right words. Turns out there's more to an apology than just saying "I'm sorry."
Elevated by equally charming illustrations and text, I'm Sorry You Got Mad is a journey in learning the importance of an apology that goes deeper than just words."
